We've all had these experiences in life, where we've been in the middle of something that feels really awkward, or something that we know is for our highest good. However, it's a huge challenge to get through the tunnel and to the other side, right. The biggest thing that I always think of when I'm going through a period of growth and things are feeling dark is that a seed is being planted. So it all feels dark around you is okay, so you're in the tunnel.
That's okay. It's alright to be in the tunnel. No big deal. Just don't stay in the tunnel, right? You got to keep moving towards the light, just like the seed has been planted, always pushes through the Earth, up to the sunlight. That's what we have to do. That's the key. And in my journey I've learned that the key is not only to pursue a life, but it's also to do so with such grace and ease that you realize even though it's uncomfortable, it's worth it. I'm sure you've all seen a bean sprout, right? That initial sprout pushes out of the seed coat, and it pushes through the earth. And as it's doing so it's uncomfortable. Can you imagine being this very tender shoot, trying to push through compact Earth up to the sunlight where you know you have to go in order to grow.
Our journey is not unlike this seed, and so when I'm in these periods of transformation, and I'm in the space is a feeling overwhelmed, I try so hard to remember that although it's uncomfortable. Ultimately this is going to lead to my growth and this is going to be really beautiful when I get to the other side, and I'm seeing the light.
This all began last month when we went to Page for my birthday. It was a celebration. If you read the last blog, you heard all about my amazing warrior of grandma trekking up the hill from Horseshoe Bend, and in 103 degree heat and she is phenomenal on so many levels. But the reason we were there was to celebrate my 40th birthday.
I was guided to look up Lake Powell and I find out it is one of the largest reservoirs in the United States. We were there, for a couple of days, we toured the slot canyons, which was a phenomenal experience. Antelope Canyon, just picturesque, however, very much like the seed, right? The the Navajo people, they're the ones that help you tour through the these canyons. They see the canyons as such a sacred space. So sacred, in fact that they limit the amount of time that they're down there. Because the thought is, if you're down there for too long, you lose your mind, right? It's so powerful.
As I was touring, and I don't know that it necessarily sunk in the power of the space and where I was and why I was there. However, I will say that that feels like the point that kicked off so many things for me. And now I'm in this phase of reflecting and transforming and just being like, wow, let's just hold on y'all.
And so I'm here just to share a little bit of that with you. And just to let you in on the fact that although so many of us on the outside look like we have it all together. And we are just like these seamless individuals of grace and light. Inside, there are always crazy things going on in our mind, we are always processing a deeper level of healing. It doesn't matter how much of the work you've done, you are still a work in progress, a beautifully perfect and perfect work in progress. So it began in page with the 40th birthday.
I truly felt myself just embodying this DGAF era of mine and tuning into a brand new level of awareness and being tapped in that I hadn't fully experienced up until that point.
So transformation looks like a lot of things. And for me when I really think back to the first experience that took me down this path of living a spiritually guided life
I have truly trusting my intuition, tapping into myself,
How does this feel? Why do I feel this way? Am I triggered?
If so, what is it about this that's triggering me, all of these questions of self discovery, they were kicked off by one transformative experience in my life. And it happened when I was 35.
And it's crazy, because I was talking to a dear friend of mine a couple days ago, and I told her, I'm not going anywhere until the work is done. And I've decided that should probably be my mantra.
I'm not going anywhere till the works done.
So I'm here for a while y'all. Anyway, the reality is, I experienced firsthand a NDE. And if you're not familiar with that acronym, it's near death experience. So a near death experience isvery interesting when you start digging into the science of it.
Many, many people
have experienced these throughout humanity, right. And probably throughout history, because humans wouldn't be doing dumb stuff. Let's just be honest. However, these experiences tend to have very similar themes. And even if you aren't familiar with what these themes are, you can report back about the experience. And often, yours followed a very similar trajectory as those of the many others who have walked these experiences before you.
Now, prior to my NDA, I had
never researched and I had no idea what any of these things were. However, I was pregnant with my third. And I told myself I was having my last child by 35. But it's not going to have any more babies. And my sweet their baby decided, Oh, yes, you need to have three. And she did she came like right at I was like 34 and seven eighths.
And when she was born, so I went into labor with her, it was early morning, and I just knew I you know, it was third baby. So it was very evident what was happening. And I have had all my children naturally and all of them in birth centers to with midwives. And one with the first was with an OBGYN.
So I felt very prepared going into this labor because I had done it twice before. I didn't think anything of it, right. I was just like, Yeah, you know, we're gonna get to me, baby, it's gonna be beautiful. There was a lot of magic.
There's a lot of magic around her conception. And I knew about six months before she was even conceived that she was coming and it was going to happen at a time when really, I had no idea how that would even be possible because of the state of the relationship I was in. However, you know, her spirit had different plans and I'm just so grateful that she chose me ultimately.
So anyway, it's early morning, it's just me and baby and I get up and I make a strawberry rhubarb pie because I was a really big I love to bake. And it just felt like you know, a welcome welcome baby treat right welcome baby pie. So I made a strawberry rhubarb pie. And I just kind of started to do the things that a mother does when she knows she's going to be out of commission for a couple of days. So I like wash the rugs in the bathroom and you know, random stuff. At any rate, the labor progresses, and it starts to get pretty intense around like 11 in the morning. And at that point, I knew it was time to head to the midwife. I had never used this facility before because the midwife I used with my son actually retired and she was phenomenal. She is just a goddess of a person and sadly she had retired. So I went with a new facility with a new midwife not really thinking too much about it. Just you know, I've done this before. I'm a pro I got this. So we get to the birth facility, the birthing facility, and a friend of mine was there to help with the older two children.
It was very fast and furious labor, I'll be completely honest with you. And this could be TMI for those of you who have never experienced labor, however it was it was rapid, right, it was literally the contractions picked up. And within about an hour, it was time to push and she was ready to come out. She was the first of my three babies that I had the pleasure of catching myself, which was so empowering. If you're a mama who is planning on delivering, I highly recommend putting that into your birth plan, although know for certain that birth plans are just that a plan. And typically don't go as planned.
She's in my arms, and they're cleaning everything up and cleaning me up and everything's good, we're in this beautiful birth suite. And I'm holding my brand new baby and all is well in the world. And for some very strange reason that I still am not aware that I was left alone with the baby. However, I'm nursing her I'm thinking all as well, I snap a picture with my phone. And I just lay back on the bed cuz she had latched on right away. And everything got really warm.
And I just take a deep breath. And I feel everything go black. And then it just fades, just fades away.
And I really had no idea of what was actually going on at the time. That's what's so wild, right? I just remember sort of letting go as the best way I can describe it.
And as I did,
everything went dark.
I'm going through this darkness going through the tunnel and the seed pushing through the Earth, right. And I break out into this brilliant, brilliantly bright and beautiful nature scene. And there are these gorgeous trees and forests. And there's a lake, there's a beautiful lake.
And I walk up to this lake, and I see somebody sitting by the lake at a bar, ironically, and this will all make sense. But she's sitting at a bar. And she's drinking a cosmopolitan.
And I walk up and I realize that it is my mother in law.
She was an alcoholic who had passed away from cirrhosis of the liver. Amazing woman, we had a special connection. And she's there as she is holding this cosmopolitan. And I look at her all puzzled. And I'm like, What is going on? What are you doing here and why are drinking a Cosmo? That's not your drink of choice. Like that's not it girl you like you drink brandy, Ginger brandy.
And she looked at me and she's like, "it's all high class up here, baby."
And just giggled.
Now, we're talking back and forth, right? And nothing really sticks out except for she looks at me and she says "nothing's going to turn out the way that you want it to. But you're going to be okay. Just know you're gonna be okay."
Now at the time, things had really become so strained in my marriage and even though I was pregnant, spoiler alert, having another baby doesn't fix things.
Anyway, that was her little nugget of wisdom. And I hopped down from the bar and I had to continue on. I had to continue into this amazing space and just see what else was there.
So I move on to the next space. I'm walking around the lake at this point and I see this person sitting under a giant willow tree, which I've always had a resonance with willow trees. They're just so beautiful and captivating and mystical. And she's sitting under there, and I walk up. I immediately know her spirit, I know her energy.
But, I didn't have a close relationship with this person in real life, in this dimension. I only remember meeting her once when I was a child and she was very ill. She had cancer at the time and was already passing away. I'm sure I had met her prior to that when I was very young. But that was really my only memory and, knowing that her death was imminent.
So I sit down by the willow tree, and I immediately recognize who she is, it's my great grandma. Yes, the grandma from the last blog, her mother.
We're talking and she begins to tell me a lot about our lineage and our ancestry. And why that's so powerful, and why that's so meaningful. She tells me a little about her story. And in sharing this story with me, she reveals so much about my grandma, my grandma's history. And the biggest thing she leaves me with is, "I need you to go back. And I need you to tell my daughter that I love her and I'm proud of her."
Now, this is important, because my grandma had a very tumultuous upbringing, a tough childhood. And I didn't fully realize it until she and I sat down a couple of weeks ago. She shared with me what her childhood was like. So for her to hear those words from her mother, that meant the world because she had never heard them in this life.
Now I got up, and I kept walking.
I truly believe and subscribe to this 369 resonance. It's a big deal. I don't know if you've all tapped into that, but do it.
So the third person, that I come across is my grandpa. And this is my mom's dad.
Now, my mom's dad is someone who really stepped in, I am a product of two young teenage lovers and they were not prepared to raise a baby, as babies themselves.
My grandfather was just a special man. He stepped in, every day he would take me out for lunch. That was our quality time. That's what we did. He always made sure I got extra black olives when we went to Subway. He was that grandpa. He was always there and had the goofy sense of humor.
And in true grandpa fashion. He died in the church. He's Catholic man died in the church during the sermon. Right there have a massive heart attack on the spot. And I could just hear it. When I heard the story. I can hear his voice say to me, Well, I know I'm going to heaven now.
And at this point, I'm so warm and so comfortable. This is the most beautiful nature I've ever seen. There's this lake in front of a forest and the birds. It just feels like the warmest, most comfortable hug.
And as, as I walk up to him, I'm literally begging and begging him, "Just let me stay grandpa, please just let me stay. Let me stay. It's so warm here. It's so beautiful here, please just let me stay."
And he looks at me, and my stay with him was the most brief of the three.
Because he just giggles and he takes my chin in his hand and he says, "baby girl, you got to go back.
You just had a little girl. And she looks just like you. You have to go back. The work isn't done."
And I remember feeling a little sadness, because here's this man who guided me through so much in my life and he's telling me, again, as a guide, you have to go back.
So back I went.
And it wasn't instantaneous. When you read any accounts of a near death experience, you will hear very, very similar progressions, right? There's the darkness, you break through to the light. Oftentimes, there are conversations with your guardian angels. However, you you just keep moving, you keep moving through this transformative experience.
So I take a big breath and then I exhale out.
And I'm back in the birth center.
But I'm not in my body, I'm up observing, observing my vessel. And it's crazy because the midwives are going nuts and the midwife she had called in her backup and her assistant and the doula and all these people.
She says, "we're going to lose her. Why isn't the ambulance here? You need to get them here right now. She's losing too much blood, we've we're gonna lose her, she's white." Just freaking out.
I'd never seen this serious British woman so rattled. I am up in the corner, just observing everything like, wow, this is really crazy.
Crazy, and I can't feel anything that they're doing to my body, or I can't ever feel anything at this point. I'm just like, up, you know, up in the like floating on the ceiling, essentially, for lack of a better way to describe it.
And I'm looking down and just thinking like being so puzzled and trying to put together the pieces of why I'm up here, but my body's down there.
So, I took a breath and other breath.
And when I exhale, I open my eyes and I was in my body again and I could feel what they were doing. She looks at me with this look of fear in her eyes. And she's like, "you're here you're conscious!"
I don't know if you've ever been to a natural birth but most of them take place completely nude. So here I am completely nude, covered in blood, and in come, only the finest firefighters of the land to carry me out on a gurney. I should probably be embarrassed. However, I had no energy to be because it wasn't long after that, that I went into convulsions.
They get me to the hospital and I give thanks for the nurses and the doctors there as everything worked out beautifully in the end.
However, that transformation
that changed me.
I didn't come back with the same way of viewing this life. I didn't come back with the same sense of what was important.
I came back with this sense of it can all be gone like this.
So you have to live every single moment.
It's as though it truly is your last because we don't know. All we do know is that we're not going anywhere until our work is done.
So I don't know where you are in your transformative journey. I'm wishing you all the blessings and all the best. Because the reality is, this has been one exhausting, beautiful, blessed wild ride of a month for me.
And I'm just so grateful to every one of you for being a part of this journey. And just know, this is just the beginning. I'm not going anywhere until the work is done.
That's my N D E. I know we referenced that in the very first episode, and you all seem to love hearing the tea and all the juice about my real life experiences. So there it is. That was the number one experience that brought forth my spiritual ties and truly solidified my knowledge that there's a connection. There's such a connection with us and our angels, and other realms. We're all connected, and we're all able to connect, we just have to tap in.
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Keep shining babes!